Apple Foot

Catharsis

I haven't had a good cry in a while. This one got kicked off by Chuck, of all things.

Anger, self-pity, the endless cycle

Last night I was feeling enraged. I sat here working myself up over things said earlier in the day, imagining things to say in reply, scripting entire dialogues based on a few words, feeling angry and put-upon. I shot off a ridiculously self-indulgent and self-righteous, slightly incoherent, email to a friend, describing the (unintentional) slight from my boss, the stress of a project I'm working on (working customer support is horrible). Woe is me, I'm surrounded by people who don't appreciate me.

My friend does not need to be putting up with this nonsense from me, particularly not now, when he's got legitimate problems. One of these days I'll learn to send the overwrought emails to my imaginary friend, not to a real, live person.

Gradually, I realized that what made me really angry were two other (but related) incidents. First, my friend E., a person who works in web-based databases, sent me an email in which she used a lot of programming/database terms I'd never heard. Not just, "I don't know much about that," but, "I've never even come across that word." Then I had a long, fruitless call with a customer who clearly knew more about database architecture than me, and was rightfully frustrated with the crappy application I'm supporting. (I really hate customer support calls that begin, "I'm a software engineer...")

What those two incidents clearly highlighted for me is that I have no skills. My title is "Manager of Web and Database Services," and I have almost no technical knowledge of databases or web technology. I could, of course, invest in some education, but that would be putting a stake in the ground and saying, "Yes, I want to be an IT professional." I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, which is why I've got the non-greasy version of a job flipping burgers, why I've been doing nothing much in the same place for 20 years.

I don't have much technical knowledge, but it's more than pretty much everyone else at the organization. I can smirk at folks who can't use Outlook, and feel like I'm the superior, smarter person, surrounded by fools. It's all very well to feel smart, but it's much harder to actually do something with it. Really, it's high school again: big(ish) fish in a tiny pond. I've put myself in a position where it's unlikely I'll have competition, and I haven't yet graduated to something like college, where I was pretty average.

What does that say about me? That I'm lazy? Terrified of risk? So uncertain of myself that I won't even try to stretch? That I prefer to stay in a position and a place where I can be sure of feeling superior?

The sad thing is, for about ten seconds, I was very proud of myself for gaining this insight. Then I remembered that understanding is not the same as solving. In the last couple years, I've started to like myself a lot more. I think I've really become a nicer, happier person.

And then I take two steps back.

Inspiration, or something

I've just had two days in a row in the 2500-3000 calorie range.

AppleFoot, dear, remember what you looked like/felt like 60 pounds ago? Let me remind you. Don't want to go back to this, right? 

Overheard

...in what used to be Boston's Combat Zone: "It's much sadder to be a surfer than to be a porn star."

Foot Traffic

On my way to an appointment this evening, I passed a Sally Army kettle ringer in front of the Marshall's on Boylston. Today is November 7.

On my way to the train from my appointment, in front of the Copley T, there were Hare Krishnas drumming, singing, and handing out literature. I don't know when the last time was I saw Hare Krishnas. They used to be a much more common nuisance.

Indistinguishable from magic

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."--Arthur C. Clarke

Actual user request: "I will have those items set up for Thursday (Laptop, Projector, screen & microphone), though [building] is not in the range of our wireless.  [IT] may be able to help, if we have some type of wireless card available that can function without connecting to a wireless signal." [emphasis mine]

Recently Misinterpreted

What the supermarket tabloid said: "Celebs' Body Struggles"

What I read: "Celebs' Body Snuggles"

I'm picturing a bunch of actors and Kardashians and what not dressed up in those snuggie things that look like bathrobes worn backwards.

Recently Misinterpreted

What the Lifehacker post title said: "Change Your Car's Air Filter"

What I read: "Change Your Cat's Air Filter"

Meow.

Successful evening

I realized that now I have a Zipcar account, I can finally take in the annual drum corps competition in Lynn (it's not impossible to get there by public transport, but it's a pain). I didn't stick around for scores (looked like it was going to be a long time before they got to the scores), but definitely enjoyed the evening. The Spartans are back (actually, they were back last year), and they look like they never left. The Scouts looked really sharp. That's clearly a corps with a lot of practice time under its belt. The Crusaders did a great job. Carolina Crown was the most fun, with a rock theme and a lot of well-thought out stage business. Those three corps will certainly be in the final 12 this year.

All the way home I was cursing my vanity. I've got new contacts ordered, and I probably shouldn't be driving with these, as they're the wrong prescription. I considered wearing the glasses tonight, but just couldn't. On the up side, a man asked for my phone number. I didn't give it to him, of course, but it was still fairly flattering. Maybe I shouldn't be flattered: he described both me and Malden as "beautiful"--but then English wasn't his native language.

Modest Expectations

Now that I'm almost to the end of my week off, I'm starting to feel anxious. The problem is, when people ask me what I did with my vacation, I don't have anything interesting to say. I didn't travel, go to museums, take a photography class, or visit friends and family. This was an underachiever's vacation.

The one thing I did that might be worth the telling? Last weekend was reunion. That's where people ask what I'm doing these days, and I'm forced to admit I'm doing the same thing I was five years ago. I don't have children or an advanced degree, I haven't written any books, I've not even changed jobs/employers.

I'm struggling with whether or not I'm OK with not having done much. Am I only worried about how people will react, or am I disappointed in myself? Strangely, I'm more OK with not having much to show over five years than I am with not having done much for a week. Even though it doesn't exactly make a gripping story, I have made some improvements in the last five years. I paid off my student loans, moved into my own apartment, lost 45 pounds, etc. I feel like a better, nicer person than I did even a few years ago.

I'm trying to work up a pat answer for the 'What did you do on your vacation?' question. The truth is, I bought new bras, gave platelets, and saw a movie (X Men, which I'd describe as mostly fun). I should probably emphasize Reunion, which fits most people's definition of "doing something". Or maybe over the next few days I should try to write a novel or go to a museum or something important like that.